, a teen comedy based on a house party ill-advisedly advertised on MySpace that went wildly out of control. A good time was had, more or less, but a significantly worse time was had in Haren, the small Dutch town where a 16-year-old girl accidentally invited hundreds of people on Facebook to her intimate birthday gathering. This event is the subject of Trainwreck: The Real Project X, which it turns out isn’t very good.
It did get me thinking, though. Ever since the release of the original film, “Project X” has become shorthand for an insane party, the kind of shindig that makes local history and is talked about in hushed, referential tones like an element of folklore. But you can’t rely on teenagers – let alone Dutch ones – to throw a proper party, since they have no sense of jeopardy, so I decided to fan-cast my own.
There are no rules except one – all the invites must go to fictional characters from film and TV, so as to avoid any potential legal ramifications from celebrities with documented substance misuse issues. But I’ll bend even that one rule slightly for my own gratification, just to get in the spirit of the endeavour.
Here’s who’s coming.
Dave Franco from The Studio
Here I am cheating on my very first entry. Dave Franco is technically playing himself in The Studio, where he shows up in Episode 9 and Episode 10 so drunk and high on mushrooms that he barely qualifies as a sentient lifeform. But he’s playing a fictionalized version of himself – I hope! – so he still counts. You were warned.
Anyway, Dave Franco as Dave Franco in The Studio is an indefatigable good time. He sees the best in every situation – even objectively terrible ones – and is still able to come in clutch when the moment calls for it. It is my firm belief that there is not a single party ever conceived by man that wouldn’t be improved by his presence. He’s in.
Roger from American Dad
Roger is rarely ever seen without a cocktail in hand. He has a bar in the attic of the Smith household and is so dedicated a drinker that he can down anything – even Listerine, on account of it being green – with enthusiasm. This is the guy who’d keep the liquor flowing, even if it wasn’t liquor. He might poison you, granted. But it’s a risk you’d be willing to take.
Roger’s also partial to dressing up, so he’s good for literally any theme you can think of. Some of the getups might be a touch racist, but it’s all in good fun. He is prone to a bit of self-loathing, but he can always bring Klaus as a plus one for balance.
William “Whip” Whitaker from Flight
Robert Zemeckis’s Flight is a brilliant, deeply serious movie in which the great Denzel Washington gives one of the best drunk performances ever committed to film. It’s not really something to make light of, which makes Whip’s inclusion here a bit questionable, but fear not – I’m taking the reformed version of the character from the epilogue so he can sit around and lend real gravitas to the proceedings, supporting the partygoers who take things a bit too far.
Look, it’s a party, and if you have an opportunity to sneak Denzel in, you have to take it. That’s, like, the first rule of this kind of thing.
Ron Burgundy from Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy
Ron Burgundy likes a scotch, of this there can be no doubt, but that trait alone doesn’t grant him immediate access to the craziest party ever. But the value of the jazz flute cannot be understated. In the immortal words of Burgundy himself, “Little ham and eggs coming at you. Hold on people, I hope you’ve got good griddles.”
It’s important to have a narcissist at this kind of thing, even one with slightly outdated views on women. It’s especially important to have a pre-prepared narcissist, ready to hog attention at a moment’s notice. Ron ticks all the boxes.
Will Ferrell as Ron Burgundy playing the jazz flute in Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy
Martha from Who’s Afraid Of Virginia Woolf?
Martha drinks a lot, but her real value is in utterly insane social gamesmanship that is sure to set the cat amongst the pigeons when it comes to unsuspecting revelers just looking for a good time. As I said at the top, what you really need at a party like this is a sense of jeopardy, and Martha would provide this tenfold.
Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf? is best known as a play, but the film version of Martha was played by Elizabeth Taylor, and nobody in their right mind wouldn’t invite Elizabeth Taylor to a party. Side note: That excruciatingly good Season 2 episode of Tell Me Lies is the closest any recent work has come to really recreating the vibe of this, which is notable since it references the play directly (and neither of the two main characters present gets the reference). Speaking of which…
Lucy Albright from Tell Me Lies
Guaranteed fireworks. You could invite basically any character from this show and get the desired effect, but Lucy is uniquely gifted at turning any social event into one to remember thanks to her legendarily terrible decision-making. She’ll drink, she’ll do exactly the wrong thing all of the time, she’ll go home with the wrong person, she’ll probably start a fight, and in the aftermath, she’ll gaslight someone else into believing it’s their fault. What’s not to like?
Stephen isn’t invited, though. Ever.
Gloria from Colossal
Colossal is a wonderful movie that nobody but me seems to have seen. In it, Anne Hathaway plays an alcoholic who returns to her hometown and reconnects with her childhood friend, only to discover that her drunk mishaps exactly mirror the behavior of a gargantuan kaiju that appears in Seoul.
Big parties barely make the news anymore. They’re old hat. But big parties that also summon skyscraper-sized monsters that stumble around drunk and dopily scratch their heads while they trample cities? There are some column inches there, let me tell you. We want this to be big, right?
Samantha Jones from Sex and the City
You just can’t have a party-hard invite list without the GOAT. Samantha isn’t just an icon of mid-40s sexual liberation and “try-sexual” non-monogamous openness, but she’s also the least problematic character on this list because her most experimental tendencies are rooted in self-love instead of self-loathing.
She probably wouldn’t get on very well with Roger, but given her willingness to try anything once, you never know.
Honorable Mentions
Tony Stark from Iron Man (I thought it best not to risk the meta crossover).
Beetlejuice from… well, Beetlejuice (You’d never get him home).
Steve Stifler from American Pie (Couldn’t have him around the women).
Dina from Girls Trip (Would waste too much fruit).
The flasher Gremlin from Gremlins (The arguments against it should be pretty obvious).